“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
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I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.