Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
saw this in a dream
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Venn
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.