Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir