did it work
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20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
my dog when i have a friend over
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Home is where your toilet is.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?