did it work
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dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I hate everything
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
gender is a sprctrum
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁