did it work
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*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.