Did my cat write this
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I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[loses house key, starts a new life]
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.