Did my cat write this
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See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Vodka burrito was a success
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.