Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
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I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…