Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
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Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.