Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Friday night party time 🥳
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I’m sorry…what?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here