Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

If you’re testing me, we failed.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me