Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
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I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Good morning.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there