Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
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if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Netflix and awkward silence?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.