*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
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She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
What’s a Messi?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her