Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok this is my dumbest yet

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

Baking is just science you can eat.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.