Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
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at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Has science gone too far?
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.