Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.