I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Catercrombie & Fish
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”