Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
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I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
I feel it
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills