Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
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Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Eat…
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
only 11 steps left
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
I’M CRYINGGG
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.