Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
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Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Lmao
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.