Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
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dads on road-trips be like
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
no
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN