Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”