Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?