Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
You Might Also Like
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”