Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

the three genders

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon