Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
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You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism