Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
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My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
The cycle continues
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
What kind of a cult is this?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.