did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
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┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
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wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
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one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.