did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
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Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
