did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
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Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Encore…
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I try
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.