Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

Only Americans understand

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..