Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

My summer body has been pending for about ten years