Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

Message from the dog groomers

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

This is amazing.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!