Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.