Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

I’m listening

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.