Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

yikes

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice: Hey!

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…

Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.

me: Beetlejuice…

Beetlejuices: please stop.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.