Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.