Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
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“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
If I ignore life will it go away?
Oh, I bet you would be
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
His flabber was gasted 😂
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm