did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
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Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
next question.
