@jonnysun

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

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@ArfMeasures

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

@HavocMantis

Mermaid: a half-fish woman. They are all very pretty, even the ones that don’t conform to human standards of beauty. I love all of them.

Murmaid: a maid who does murder. Some are powerful warriors, and some are stealthy assassins. I love all of them.

@jonnysun

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

@LuvPug

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

@TheMichaelRock

Radio: The purge has begun. For the next 12 hours, all crime is legal.

Me[gets in the 10 items or less line with 11 items] this is exhilarating!

@JustDontBugMe

Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.

@imadepoopstoday

I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.

@LackOfShame

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

@robdelaney

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.