did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

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ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do


Mermaid: a half-fish woman. They are all very pretty, even the ones that don’t conform to human standards of beauty. I love all of them.

Murmaid: a maid who does murder. Some are powerful warriors, and some are stealthy assassins. I love all of them.


my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”


We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.


Radio: The purge has begun. For the next 12 hours, all crime is legal.

Me[gets in the 10 items or less line with 11 items] this is exhilarating!


Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.


I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.


I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.


My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.