Did we do it, did we save the daylight
You Might Also Like
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.