Did we do it, did we save the daylight
You Might Also Like
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
going to the ER y’all need anything
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
britain’s three elite institutions
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call: