Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.