Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.