Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

journal

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

How it started: How it’s going:

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.