DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
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Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field