Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken