Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.