Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

❄️

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.