“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
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The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Need WebMD
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.