“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
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“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Worst perfume name ever.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.