Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

If snakes were wide

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac