Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
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Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”