Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Him: I鈥檓 a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I鈥檓 hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
bank teller: I can鈥檛 read this note, it鈥檚 in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn鈥檛 had a nap.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 馃槶馃槶馃槶
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don鈥檛 like this.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I鈥檓 here all week馃槵
First I was a pebble..
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i鈥檒l hold your baby.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I don’t like papier-m芒ch茅 because it exposes children to both glue and French.
