Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
