Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
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“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Passwords are more important than ever.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.