Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
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Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily