Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
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Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.