Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
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I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free