Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

long lost

monday

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.