Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.