“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
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Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!