Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
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Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Respect
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
dutch so unserious
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!