Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
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Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Pizza is an emotion right?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
journal
me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?
student: dragons
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”