did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
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I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby