did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
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If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
Meow
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Had blood work done on my two Labrador Retrievers and am waiting for the vet to call back with the results of my Labs’ Labs
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast