did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
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How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.